I can’t hide it any longer. I’ve tried to be cool but I just can’t help it. When the right tune hits the airwaves – or when I’m just in the mood – oh, who are we kidding here? It’s all the time, every time! Am I freak? A weirdo? Perhaps a creative genius that keeps her tremendous talent under wraps.
Yeah, I know. I am a little bit off the rocker. But in my defense that’s what makes me fun!
So here’s my confession: When I go shopping for clothes and I’m trying something on……… I like to dance in front of the mirror. There! I said it! Don’t you dare laugh! Especially all of you aspiring actors/models out there. I know you do it too! In fact, I know of a group of friends in a certain tribute band that I would bet cold, hard cash that at least two of them do it. You know who you are so …… don’t judge.
Heather Locklear
It’s my guilty pleasure. I was out today, doing a little window shopping, trying to come up with ideas on what to wear for an upcoming gig I have for a city Community Centre Opening. Yeah, yeah, not exactly the ACC but nevertheless, you still gotta be rock ‘n roll. A gig is a gig. So there I am trying this and that on and I think it was Bryan Adam‘s Summer of ’69 that came on or was it Bang a Gong by T.Rex? Can’t remember. In any case, it begins with the poses. You stand, you stare straight ahead. You turn to the left and check out the view from behind while giving yourself a smoldering Heather Locklear look over your shoulder. You know the look. From the days of the original Melrose Place. Or was that Dynasty? Anyhow, you do this for a few minutes. Pose, turn, pose, twirl just like the opening credits of the original 90210. Of course, I am mentioning the original because I now realize that I remember when the original series of these shows first came out. Yike!
Then, from the 90210 posing and twirling, movements will merge into little dance moves like from the Friends opening sequence when they are busting out moves like the swim and the twist. Okay, those moves might be exaggerating it a bit. But then! Then it comes back around to the rock star moves. That’s when you take your air microphone and you mouth the words to what’s playing over the intercom flipping your hair over your eye for dramatic effect. The over sized shirt gets shifted a little over one shoulder and suddenly you’re Joan Jett and you’re checking to make sure your air guitar sits well in front of your new outfit.
Joan Jett
Yes, admittedly. It’s all true. Now because, on a musicians salary – which there really is no such thing but I digress – I am not exactly rocking the D & G shops, so the dressing room where I was at has this little sign on the back of the door. My eye happened to catch it as I did one of my Lady Gaga moves. “Change rooms under camera surveillance. Theft will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” At that moment, I had a flash of some control room somewhere, like a scene out of those movies where night watchmen have 20 cameras and he’s watching who’s having sex in the elevator. Only it’s not just him watching. He calls the other four or five night guys on duty and they are sitting there with their coffee and donuts and having a good time looking on. So I’m thinking somebody might be having a good chuckle at all my rock star moves. In fact, the whole staff is probably not even on the floor anymore! They’ve left their registers and clothing racks and are jammed in the back room to get a glimpse of the loser dancing like she’s Paula Abdul in her Straight Up video.
And I’m back. I quietly turn to the mirror like I’m seriously surveying the
Paula Abdul
situation the same way I do when I’m walking down the street and trip on a non-existent rock on the ground. I look around to see where the culprit rock is but keep walking like it wasn’t me that can’t figure out how to work my own legs. As I emerge from the dressing room, I almost expect to find the whole store staring at me and laughing that slow-motion, distorted laugh you would only find on episodes of Friends. I make my entrance into the main area. Nobody bats an eye. They are all still digging through whatever piles of last year’s trend that I left them looking through when I entered the change rooms. Phew. If anyone was watching me, they had enough mercy to not run out and point and fall down in hysterics.
So I put on my best Cool Chic air and saunter to the front of the store and walk right out the door as if there wasn’t anything in this store that could possibly have interested me. Too bad for you cause I’ll be famous one day and you’ll wish that I had found at least one thing that I liked so you could tell your friends that Nowhere Girl actually shopped there!
Yeah right! I ran out there like a bat out of hell! I can just imagine the size O Audrina- wanna-be’s snickering behind the register counters. Okay, maybe I am l little bit of a loser. But come on! If you have done the dressing room dance, don’t leave me out to dry. Let me know that I’m not alone in my illusions of coolness! I know there are more of you out there!
Oh, well. In any case, hopefully it was a good laugh for you on a gloomy Friday afternoon.
On to my next adventure!
Nowhere Girl
The Nowhere Girl's Music Blog 